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Wpisy z okresu: 10.2010

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life is a challenge. everybody has some problems. someone big ones someone smaller. but everbody have to cope with something..
my issues can be funny for some people but not for me. but it’s good to know that I’m not alone with this. I mean that others have a problems as well. that make me thinking that I can handle it, that I can’t be the worst because of them. that I’ll be all right at least. 
and today I’m standing opposite my challenges with my light green nails and think that this week wouldn’t be so scary as I thought, I’ll make this damn coffee and say hello to my chief’s guests ;) yes, my shyness is put to the test ;) and I’m going to pass it ;) 
anyway, light green ? not exactly for me, but I like them ;) they can show me that I can do whatever I want with my life. 
Everything will be ok, with or without them. I’ll survive.

I want you to know..

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I realized something. I’m alone. totally alone. there’s nobody with me now. nobody who I’m spending time with, nobody who will talk with me about everything, no friends at all. no offence but I really think that. 
I was trying not to think about it. but today I was thinking about my next birthday. I was thinking about my long hair which I’d like to have till then, about my teeth which will be straight and quite nice ;) but suddenly I thought about me. that I can be alone on my birthdays with no one with me, no one from my old team, my old friends. 
it’s not easy to think about it. more that I think that I won’t wait till my birthday. it can happend on new year’s eve.
I need people. I can’t stand much time without them. I need to have a friend like human need air to breath.  who could imagine that one year ago in this time it was all great. I studied, we were together almost every day. we made plans for our free time. everything was perfect. and one time – boom. everything was gone. I knew that. I knew what gonna happend. too late nevermind. 
I gave him a chance. we’ll see what happend. I’ve started to think that situation forced me to do this. 
anyway I’ve started to use my knowledge from my english classes. and at the end of note something from my last classes:
I’m slowly getting used to being alone.  nice, isn’t it ?:) 
please do not take this personally. these are just my thoughts. don’t bother it doesn’t matter anymore.

Pezet – Spadam.

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Tak bardzo chciałbym, żeby jutro mogło się to zmienić
Żebym mógł dać Ci to co chcę Ci dawać i dostać to od Ciebie.
Tak bardzo chciałem dzisiaj Ci powiedzieć, że
Mówię Ci, co chcesz usłyszeć i mówię to dla Ciebie.
Tak mocno chciałem Twoich oczu, Twojej skóry,
Tak bardzo chciałem Twoich dłoni,
Tak mocno czułem to
Tak bardzo chciałem obok być, nie myśląc ile to kosztuje.
Tak mocno czułem to,
Tak bardzo byłaś mi potrzebna,
Tak bardzo chciałem być potrzebny Ci,
Niezbędny, tak jak Ty mi, do dziś.
Tak bardzo byłaś jedna, jak nigdy, nigdy nikt.
Tak bardzo mocno chciałem z Tobą żyć,
Tak mocno byłem pewny,
Czekałem, kiedy powiesz mi, że
Jesteś dla mnie, jesteś ze mną, 
Że ja i Ty to coś co jest na pewno, że jest naprawdę.
Że to co było między nami, wciąż jest i wciąż jest ważne i…

Nie ma Cię, gdy moje życie spada w dół i…
Nie ma Cię, gdy wszystko łamie się na pół i…
Nie ma Cię i nie wiem już, gdzie jesteś,
Ale dobrze, że nie wiesz co u mnie, bo pękło by Ci serce!
Nie ma Cię, gdy moje życia spada w dół i…
Nie ma Cię, gdy wszystko łamie się na pół
Ale kocham Cię, kocham wciąż Cię kocham kurwa i nie znam już innych słów!
To jest zbyt trudne.

A kiedy moja miłość zgaśnie,
Gdy naprawdę będę chciał iść sam, 
Gdy bez Ciebie będzie łatwiej.
Gdy bez Ciebie będę mógł być tam, gdzie mieliśmy iść razem zawsze.
Gdy przestaniesz tak naprawdę znaczyć już cokolwiek dla mnie,
Gdy przestanę myśleć o czym myślisz i gdzie idziesz,
Gdy to stanie się nieodwracalne,
Gdy stąd wyjdziesz,
Gdy nie będę już tak bardzo chciał Cie widzieć,
Gdy nie będę chciał Cię słuchać,
Gdy nie będę z Tobą milczeć,
Gdy nie będziesz czuła do mnie tego, już tak mocno,
Gdy pomyślisz, że chcesz iść gdzieś, nie chcesz zostać
Jeśli mimo wątpliwości to nie będzie proste, nie będzie intuicyjne, coś innego będzie dobre,
Jeśli będę musiał się odwrócić i 
To co czuję, zniszczyć, nie móc o tym mówić,
Jeśli będę musiał poczuć tak, musisz zrozumieć, to
Będzie koniec nas,
Koniec.
Dziś, tak to czuję

Nie ma Cię, gdy moje życie spada w dół i…
Nie ma Cię, gdy wszystko łamie się na pół i…
Nie ma Cię i nie wiem już, gdzie jesteś,
Ale dobrze, że nie wiesz co u mnie, bo pękło by Ci serce!
Nie ma Cię, gdy moje życia spada w dół i…
Nie ma Cię, gdy wszystko łamie się na pół,
Ale kocham Cię, kocham wciąż Cię kocham kurwa i nie znam już innych słów!
To jest zbyt trudne.




I still remember :( 

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so…:) everything is changing now.  B. is not my problem I guess. not I wanted to, but I don’t wanna talk about it. fail – again. like I said – not my problem anymore. 
yesterday on my english classes I was in pair with G. :) veerry handsome guy. anyway :) we talked about sleeping ;) about hours of sleeping, he said that we can be more rested with 6 hours sleep instead of 7 or 8 :) the point is, our sleeping is divided on 1,5h parts. so the best time of sleeping is multiple of 1,5h. for example 6 hours, 7,5 or 9 hours. we can be more rested when we’d chose 6 hours than 8. it also depend on person and her body. but I decided to try it and we’ll see how’s going ;) 
what else? I still love my job :) and now I have also new duties ;)everything is just perfect. with job of course. but with english classes as well! I love them! people, my teacher Diana, atmosphere :) everything ;) 
I only miss one thing in my life which could make everything perfect. the biggest one. except that rest is fine. only fine. good for me ? I don’t think so. 

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a lot of thoughts. he is still in my head. not as much as earlier but still. and what I think now is that he was right about us. it woudn’t pass an exam or whatever. he is living there, I’m staying here for now. but it doesn’t change that I though about us a lot. but not anymore. now it’s a sad feeling about all of things which had happend in July.  nice memory and that’s all. show must go on like they say. 

drinking beer on a friday evening. why doesn’t it suprise me ? normal thing. nevermind. 
what I’ve noticed recently that my last depression was without any tears. weird. but it’s not new for me so maybe that’s a problem. 

me, myself and I. again and as always.

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I had a beautiful note here, few seconds ago. But unfortunately I pushed some button and it’d gone. fuck. 

at a glance. 
1. I’ve been eating a lot of pasta today :) 
2. some friendship is over I guess. 
3. friend’s husband is back again. 
4. no. 2 and no.3 are not connected with each other ;) 
5. I had a beautiful note for you but I deleted it. sorry ;) 
6. case of mr B. is getting better. 
7. you should finally introduce me to her!
8. I’m not thinking about him at all. yeah, right ;/
9. if you want an extension any of above numbers, just let me know ;) 
10. and if you won’t be, let you won’t be.

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forgotten.

taste me, drink my soul..

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I suck. that’s everything I can say in this subject.
what else ? I have heard something interesting recently. not thinking about problems is easier then thinking about their solutions. and I think that’s exactly what I’m doing now. it’s easier for me, sitting at home, sometimes going out for a english classes, even parties are no longer for me. 
I’m not thinking what’s wrong, what had happend not exactly like I wanted to. 
two things are good in my life now. ok, maybe two and a half ;) 
at first. I love my job. I know, it’s weird ;P but I really do. 
I love my english classes. at first lesson I was so scared and afraid that I won’t handle it. but I’m I think :) my grammar is better [ what can you say about it ? master of english ?:) ] I do a lot of practices at home. And for monday I have my first paper work. We’ll see how my grammar really is ;)
B. is ok. day by day I think it can be more then a friendship. I don’t know. 
less sleep more stupid thoughts in my head. sick. 
I miss them. Since few months everything have been different. there’s no more hours spending on eating ice-creams in McD. no more trips to the seaside on 1 a.m. no more meetings just for a chat in cars. I miss it very much. there’s no us anymore. no fantastic group which made me so happy everyday. there’s just me now. me and my problems. or should I say: me, my problems and my diary. I regret that it won’t happend again. And what I’m waiting for now ? winter. typical snowy winter. because I hope that we’ll go on a best trip ever for snowbording. no matter where, and for how long. important that it’s a chance that we’ll all go together again like in old times. 
I love you guys, anyway.I know that we have all lives know. no connected to each others. I got it. but I miss you so much. 

po drodze do nieba..

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in my speakers – O.S.T.R. today. I’m starting regret that I won’t be at his concert in Szczecin today. but unfortunately my finances won’t allow me ;( 
weekend past in good way. no super fun but it’s normal recently. 
I tried to do some grammar practices yesterday. not bad I think but also not great. it will take me a lot of time.
and today it’s time for some gossips with angel :) and maybe some shopping? not big, cause my wallet isn’t full :) 
I don’t know how my life will look in few months. I have so many ideas, but every next won’t be realized I think ;( I don’t know what I want to do, where to work, where to live. with who. 
exactly, with who. case of mr B. [ let's name him in this way] is still not clear. I’m confused, don’t know what I want from him. it’s too complicated for me. can’t anynody decided something for me ?
it’s definitely time for contact A. :) time for meeting, I haven’t seen them pics from Rome yet! 
what a stupid note, about everything and about nothing. exactly the same mix like in my head. 
last thought about the night. I was dreaming today about cementary. scare, isn’t it ?

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